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My first impression of this piece is that it isn't too ambitious and is written mostly for therapeutic purposes. I honestly didn't thin...


Hello, I will be critiquing your piece on behalf of :icongrammarnazicritiques:. I will do my best to help by suggesting improvements that can be made and genera...

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Suggested Reading

Journal Entry: Fri Apr 24, 2015, 12:29 PM


Was going through top ten sites and browsing randomly. Here's some poems I found:

"Diameter" by Michelle Y. Burke

www.poetryfoundation.org/poetr…

I like it for the way it puns on Diameter/Demeter. I like it for the way it compares stemming the gap of grief with geometry problems of circumference and diameter. I like it for the way it looks at grief as a solvable problem, even though it isn't. I like the way it approaches the impossible world after death.

"Factory Town" by Austin Smith

www.poetryfoundation.org/poetr…

I never knew you could enjamb like that. Turn smokestacks into cigarettes, trains into wedding veils. A river! A horse running from a gunshot.

"Casa" by Rigoberto Gonzalez

It's like Plath's "Mirror" but a thousand times more angry. Whereas Mirror is totally objective until the woman peers into the lake of the second stanza, thus filling it with all the human vulnerabilities and anxious hand-wringing of a dying body, "Casa" refuses to sympathize with anything that fills it. All the abnormalities and variations on normality play through years in this house, this speaker, so hollow, so empty, because in the end it is just a set of walls. It is not alive. It does not care about you or anyone. It feels nothing. But it sees you so clearly for the broken parts, its dispassionate voice and annoyance at your sentiment and human needs, it cannot help but mix its stone with its echoing music.

www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/…

"Government Spending" by Patricia Lockwood

Because it is damn funny. The funniest poet I've ever read. Fuck Edward Lear, fuck Kenneth Koch. This is irony in a tutu and steel umbrella. This is poetry with genuine mirth.

www.poetryfoundation.org/poetr…

"Preface to a Twenty-Volume Suicide Note" by Amiri Baraka

I'm working with narrative free verse. This is good narrative free verse. What's more to say?

www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/…

"Love" by Lloyd Schwartz

It's long but the ending is so worth it. 

www.poetryfoundation.org/poetr…

What is this taste like?
Like your mother giving you a bath.
Like your father kissing you, coming home from work.
Like having a sister who sings too loudly.
Like an older brother holding band-aids while you learn how to shave.
Like living in a house with more than two people.
Like a life that isn't as narrow as a well.
Like a life that carries all the rain.
Like a field of emptiness, an ocean of grass.
Noun

1. introductory statement; preface; introduction.

2. introductory part of a statute, deed, the like, stating reasons, intent of what follows.

3. a preliminary/introductory fact/circumstance:

Ex. His childhood in the slums was a preamble to a life of crime.

Preamble

His life of crime was nothing but a preamble to a violent death.

Preamble

His violent death was nothing but a preamble to the bullet getting trapped, a small miracle, inside his soft heart.

Preamble

The bullet in his soft heart was nothing but a preamble to the mortician's surprise, her years of experience, her broad scientific knowledge, her sudden fear and subsequent collapse.

Preamble

Her subsequent collapse was nothing but a preamble to a dream of the dead man.

Preamble

Her dream of the dead man was a preamble to the intimate crush of understanding, an understanding that revolved around preambles, how everything, the bullet, the gun, the life like an intro, the death, a body paragraph, a bullet, a soft heart, preambles to preambles to preamble.

Preamble.

This realization was nothing. It was a preamble. Just kidding. It was its own terror. It was one of those things that make up wonder. A tiny, variable truth. A preamble that goes on, without ending.

Preamble.

Her subsequent waking was a preamble to the secret of eternal life, to waking the dead. Her plucking of the bullet from his cold, shuddering heart was a preamble to his blackened eyes flying open. His decayed eyes were a preamble to tears, a child's tears drawn from the well of fear and neglect. Her hands were a preamble to his face. Their lives, any life, was a possible preamble

to paradise.
Preambles To Paradise
Dictionary dot com. The great fountainhead of poetic wisdom and eternal truths. Pffffft.

For :icongrammarnazicritiques:

What do you think of the story? 
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You loved me
like fire loves a match,
like a match loves a fuse,
like a fuse loves its dynamite,
like dynamite loves a crystal cavern,
like crystal loves its collapse,
like a collapse loves gravity,
like gravity loves mass,
like mass loves velocity.

You loved me
like velocity loves a sports car,
like a sports car loves an open road,
like a road loves a mac truck,
like a truck loves roadkill,
like roadkill loves carrion flies,
like flies love an open grave,
like an open grave loves cut flowers.

You loved me
like flowers love the spring,
like spring loves her distant brother,
like death loves his little niece,
like a niece loves an open field,
like an open field loves nothing.
Persephone
.

For :icongrammarnazicritiques:

1. What do you think of the sound?
2. What do you think of the images?
Loading...
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: strong language)
Your name is made of water.
You live on Dirt Rd. Your best friends
are tears and rain. You love them both
very much. During recess
you skip rope. During class
you take bad notes. They are
always wet, they are always
stinging to the eyes. The teacher
likes to think of you as one of her
special kids. You're not actually retarded.
Just that, you don't give a shit
sometimes. One time you had enough
of school and flew out of the window
on wings of foam. Either that
or white birds. It is hard to tell with you.
You are so crazy about love.
You really like pop songs.
One time someone drowned in you.
His mom threw in words made of cake
so that the fish wouldn't accidentally
swallow his eyes, and choke. She said,
with a very big, very big
smile: I want to make sure
the fishies don't make a big mistake.
And you nodded and smiled back.
Your best friends were holding you up.
And the boy lived inside of you
ever ever after. And the fishes
dived into your spine, coiling once,
coiling thrice. Out of the maze of
the lower tributaries and meandering
intestines, they spun out
round and round, the centr-
centrifu-frugal-cen—
—shit, this word's hard—
centrifugal force turning them
into spirals, leading the boy
into the new world. That day,
you played Slide and then
Rock-Paper-Scissors.
Both hands meeting both hands.
The soul pulled up, one-two-three,
one-two-three-four, slide.
Lachesis clenches a fist.
Atropos signals peace.
Clotho waves her hand
opening like a sun.

Suggested Reading

Journal Entry: Fri Apr 24, 2015, 12:29 PM


Was going through top ten sites and browsing randomly. Here's some poems I found:

"Diameter" by Michelle Y. Burke

www.poetryfoundation.org/poetr…

I like it for the way it puns on Diameter/Demeter. I like it for the way it compares stemming the gap of grief with geometry problems of circumference and diameter. I like it for the way it looks at grief as a solvable problem, even though it isn't. I like the way it approaches the impossible world after death.

"Factory Town" by Austin Smith

www.poetryfoundation.org/poetr…

I never knew you could enjamb like that. Turn smokestacks into cigarettes, trains into wedding veils. A river! A horse running from a gunshot.

"Casa" by Rigoberto Gonzalez

It's like Plath's "Mirror" but a thousand times more angry. Whereas Mirror is totally objective until the woman peers into the lake of the second stanza, thus filling it with all the human vulnerabilities and anxious hand-wringing of a dying body, "Casa" refuses to sympathize with anything that fills it. All the abnormalities and variations on normality play through years in this house, this speaker, so hollow, so empty, because in the end it is just a set of walls. It is not alive. It does not care about you or anyone. It feels nothing. But it sees you so clearly for the broken parts, its dispassionate voice and annoyance at your sentiment and human needs, it cannot help but mix its stone with its echoing music.

www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/…

"Government Spending" by Patricia Lockwood

Because it is damn funny. The funniest poet I've ever read. Fuck Edward Lear, fuck Kenneth Koch. This is irony in a tutu and steel umbrella. This is poetry with genuine mirth.

www.poetryfoundation.org/poetr…

"Preface to a Twenty-Volume Suicide Note" by Amiri Baraka

I'm working with narrative free verse. This is good narrative free verse. What's more to say?

www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/…

"Love" by Lloyd Schwartz

It's long but the ending is so worth it. 

www.poetryfoundation.org/poetr…

deviantID

TheGlassIris
Andrew Liu
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
Hi, I'm Andrew Liu. I'm 19, a student at East Los Angeles College and Pasadena City College, and I love to write. That's me in the picture, staring at the Lansdowne Herakles held in the Getty Villa. If I look bemused, it's because he doesn't have a dick. I've been writing since middle school and I started taking it seriously around senior year, so, sixteen or seventeen. My favorite genres are urban fantasy (Harry Potter, Percy and the Olympians, Fablehaven, that sort of stuff) and fantasy (Cry of the Icemark, American Gods, Good Omens). I mostly write poetry. I switched over from prose because I could never manage to finish writing short stories. And I mostly write as a hobby.

I'm also an English major. My favorite period is American Modernism. I've read T.S. Eliot, E.E. Cummings, Robert Frost, Wallace Stevens. I'm a big poetry buff. My all-time favorite pieces of poetry are pretty varied though: Cathy Song "Cloud Moving Hands", Sharon Olds "The Elder Sister" & "I Go Back to May, 1937", Sylvia Plath "Mirror" & "Fever 103", Mark Doty "Tiara", Elizabeth Bishop "The Fish", and Muriel Rukeyser "Song for Dead Children."

If I were to summarize my writing style in three words it would be: lush, dream-like, and intense. People have always told me that I'm very good at imagery and description, but not so much at editing or making sure my work flows effortlessly.

Other hobbies I have include video games, anime, and more reading I guess. All time favorite video games: Folklore (PS3), Bastion (PC), Dust: An Elysian Tale (PC), Persona 4 (PS2). All time favorite animes: Natsume Yuujinchou (Natsume's Book of Friends), Puella Magi Madoka Magica (Magical Girl Madoka), Nodame Cantabile, Ao no Exorcist (Blue Exorcist-manga only), and Magi (again, manga only). All time favorite books: Caramelo (Sandra Cisneros), American Gods (Neil Gaiman), The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald), Asterios Polyp (David Mazzuchelli), Like Water For Chocolate (Laura Esquivel), and Fahrenheit 451 (Ray Bradbury).

I swear I read and watch more than this, it's just I'm really picky and have strangely specific tastes. Ask me for writing critique and feedback. I'm more than happy to give advice.
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:iconangoraart:
AngoraART Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you for the llama badge! :)

Bunny Emoji-87 (Thanks) [V5] Llama Emoji-03 (Sparkles) [V1]
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2015   General Artist
hello there, lovely person! :huggle:
this is to inform you that i have made use of one of the titles of your poetry in my title poem over here: fav.me/d8d65gn :love:
i hope that this is alright with you, pray that you enjoy the read, and thank you for your inspirational artistry! :eager: <3
Reply
:iconakrasiel:
akrasiel Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2014   General Artist
Thank you so much for reading and favouriting my work. :huggle:
Reply
:iconponix7:
Ponix7 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014
I am amazed by the diligence and discipline you have for writing, including the sheer volume posted on DA.  It motivates me to do more, and I enjoy reading your work.
Reply
:icontheglassiris:
TheGlassIris Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Aw, thank you.
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2014
:wave: A random "hello", Andrew.
Reply
:icontheglassiris:
TheGlassIris Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hello.
Reply
:iconoviedomedina:
oviedomedina Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2014
Happy birthday!
Reply
:icontheglassiris:
TheGlassIris Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:iconoviedomedina:
oviedomedina Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2014
No problem!
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